The State of the Anna

This afternoon I put my 50mm lens on my Nikon, Dame.

It was the first time I’ve pulled that particular lens out after months of photo frustration trying to learn a newer lens with more gadgets and gizmos. All my photos have been blurry with the new lens. I can’t land the sharpness. The auto focus doesn’t hit the mark either. And as a result, I’ve used my camera less and my iPhone (gasp) more.

But today, my kids were swinging on a brand new wooden swing that we hung form one of our classic Carolina oaks in the front yard. These are the summer memories that I want to record and remember the most, so I sat in the grass with Dame and the big lens. And when my LCD screen showed blurry shot after blurry shot, I stopped shooting and pulled out the prime.

Things clicked instantly.

By then, Julia had gotten off the swing, and Maxwell had climbed on. And I was able to get better photos than I’ve gotten in months. Photos that I’ve dreamed of. Memories through my camera that make my heart wide with happiness.

I mean, these just feel perfect.

It all felt so natural, so simple, so much like it should. And that feeling made me realize something. Something important.

I’ve been very busy getting in my own way.

In classic Anna fashion, I’ve been over thinking, I’ve been wondering and dreaming and worrying about everything in my path. About my work and my health, my kids, this site, everything. I’m tripping on my thoughts and my drowning in my headspace.

I’ve gotten myself tangled in it, and it’s gotten in the way of, well, everything.

But my over thinking has kept me away from this site too.

I worry about not having enough time, and so suddenly I don’t.

I tell myself I’m overwhelmed, and so I am.

I think and rethink about being efficient or proactive, and then I spend far too much time thinking and not enough time doing.

All that is hard to carry. It bogs me down in a big way. And so I’ve been hiding behind only the things I have to do without making room for the things I love. Things like my 50mm lens. Like the beach. Like writing fiction.

Like you.

I’ve missed you and this corner of the Internet terribly. But my own cluttered headspace has gotten in my way. I’ve been worried about the numbers and the money, the page views and the business of it all. But those aren’t the reasons I started this blog, and those aren’t the reasons I’ve kept going.

The distance I’ve put between me and writing here has shown me that I need to refocus and redefine where I’m headed. I want to U-turn. I want off the interstate.

I haven’t quite figured all the specifics out yet, but I do know there will be a shift here in some way. I’m looking at it as a turn, a relook back to what what important to me when I started, to the whys that made me passionate about blogging and projects from day one. I want to fall in love with this space all over again. I want to continue because I love it not because I feel like I should.

And so here I sit. Detangling the knots in my brain and holding my familiar camera lens. I don’t know where I’m headed exactly, but I do know the pictures will be beautiful.