I find myself tearing through books on my iPad these days. I can’t settle on a radio station for more than a minute or two. I feel like I’ve seen all of the Internet and TV. My mind is more than scattered, hard to focus, out of control. And I feel like I’m always searching, hunting. But for what? I don’t quite know.
But I feel this bone-deep desire for some kind of connection.
It’s almost like there’s a little bit of me missing, like something really important was wrung out and left to dry all stiff and uncomfortable. And now just know that something important isn’t where it’s supposed to be, but I’m not quite sure what it is.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who feels this way.
I studied fiction under Robert Olen Butler in graduate school. The most memorable writing advice that I took from him is that your characters must yearn. It was some kind of fiction mantra, essential to bring your characters to life, to make them human and relatable, to make them interesting. And characters who didn’t yearn weren’t human, and probably needed to be re-develeoped or re-dreamed, which is how Butler writes anything.
I am right there with the yearning. And I yearn for a connection.
I want a connection outside of me. I always feel a little isolated in the summer without the same amount of adult interaction because of missing school routines or friends. I’d love a coffee date with a dear friend for real conversation. Real back and forth. I want to feel human again, valued for my voice and opinion more than for my ability to find snacks and find missing Hot Wheels.
But I think this quest for connection goes deeper. I yearn for a connection between my body and mind. Inside my own self. There’s some kind of disconnect inside of me right now. It might be a small riff, but it’s there. I can tell.
And this is another reason why I’m on my yoga mat for these 30 Days. If ever there were an exercise that demanded so much of both my body and mind, it would be yoga. It’s as much a mental challenge as it is a physical exertion. Mind over matter. One and the same working together. Do you feel this way too?
And if ever there were an exercise routine that could repair any disconnect between my grey matter and my muscles, then it has to be yoga. It goes deeper than my physical self. Deeper maybe than my subconscious. But I’m putting a lot of confidence that this practice is what I need. These moments on my mat, breath that sounds like the ocean in the back of my throat, this is what I know I need.
I’ll let you know if I find my connection.
This makes me want to drive to Charleston and have a cup of coffee with you! I yearn for a day trip to the Land of Trader Joes, King Street and fine dining 🙂
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Come on down! I’m always up for a fun day with you. 🙂
Oh yes, I do feel this way, too. I yearn for a sense of inner and outer connection… probably more than anything else. When I feel it, I am unstoppable. When something happens, and I feel disconnected, it throws my whole universe goes out of orbit. I’ve been catching up on your posts, which I promised myself I’d do after Listen To Your Mother. I resonate with your desire to simplify… to drill down to the most important things. And like yoga, and probably everything else!, it’s a daily practice. Thank goodness for each brand new day! xo
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YES! It is the difference between being unstoppable and floating free, Angie. And I never quite know how it was that I became so ungrounded, only that I did. *sigh* I’m chalking it up as a chance to learn and grow.
Thanks for reading and for being so awesome!
Betsy says
I started yoga less than a year ago and am 100% hooked. For me its ALL about exercising my mind. Mental discipline was something I was lacking in my life but didn’t even realize. I thought I was lacking stretching….. I really hope you love it. I’ve found that it’s benefitted me more ways off the mat than on.
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Hearing your love for yoga makes me even more eager to get on my mat and flow. Thanks!
Anna; feeling it too. It’s likely from my immersion into The Desire Map and all things Brene Brown. I feel something missing, out of place, not quite right. And I know it is a deeper connection with me, the whole me, the eternal me, the me that gets shoved into box to fit in, make others happy.
As I was reading Brown’s “I thought it was just me (but it isn’t)” last night, these words created a physical reaction - “Shame is being exposed - the flawed parts of yourself that you want to hid from everyone are revealed.” I felt my gut clench and heard an inner voice screaming “I’m not flawed!”
I’m certain that if I hadn’t brought yoga back into my daily life, this visceral reaction would have never occurred. I would not be connected enough with myself to hear or feel the message I needed to hear.
It was so deeply moving to “hear” and feel the truth that I’m not flawed just because I am different form what society wants me to be, even more so that I heard this from my deep inner self and knew it to be true.
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