I find myself tearing through books on my iPad these days. I can’t settle on a radio station for more than a minute or two. I feel like I’ve seen all of the Internet and TV. My mind is more than scattered, hard to focus, out of control. And I feel like I’m always searching, hunting. But for what? I don’t quite know.
But I feel this bone-deep desire for some kind of connection.
It’s almost like there’s a little bit of me missing, like something really important was wrung out and left to dry all stiff and uncomfortable. And now just know that something important isn’t where it’s supposed to be, but I’m not quite sure what it is.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who feels this way.
I studied fiction under Robert Olen Butler in graduate school. The most memorable writing advice that I took from him is that your characters must yearn. It was some kind of fiction mantra, essential to bring your characters to life, to make them human and relatable, to make them interesting. And characters who didn’t yearn weren’t human, and probably needed to be re-develeoped or re-dreamed, which is how Butler writes anything.
I am right there with the yearning. And I yearn for a connection.
I want a connection outside of me. I always feel a little isolated in the summer without the same amount of adult interaction because of missing school routines or friends. I’d love a coffee date with a dear friend for real conversation. Real back and forth. I want to feel human again, valued for my voice and opinion more than for my ability to find snacks and find missing Hot Wheels.
But I think this quest for connection goes deeper. I yearn for a connection between my body and mind. Inside my own self. There’s some kind of disconnect inside of me right now. It might be a small riff, but it’s there. I can tell.
And this is another reason why I’m on my yoga mat for these 30 Days. If ever there were an exercise that demanded so much of both my body and mind, it would be yoga. It’s as much a mental challenge as it is a physical exertion. Mind over matter. One and the same working together. Do you feel this way too?
And if ever there were an exercise routine that could repair any disconnect between my grey matter and my muscles, then it has to be yoga. It goes deeper than my physical self. Deeper maybe than my subconscious. But I’m putting a lot of confidence that this practice is what I need. These moments on my mat, breath that sounds like the ocean in the back of my throat, this is what I know I need.
I’ll let you know if I find my connection.