Tonight in yoga, we tried all kinds of inversions. Headstands. Handstands. Forearm stands. Shoulder stands. It was something of the theme tonight, which is cool and kind of scary. I drop the top of my head to the mat between my forearms and my head starts to ache. I can’t really get much past bouncing my toes off the floor, and balancing in a long, tall line, toes toward the ceiling is a long way away.
I’m not disappointed, really. I’m a newbie and things like this don’t come easily. And I’m working on it. But Jessica, the instructor said something that struck me. “If you’re not there yet,” she said, “It’s okay. You’re still awesome. You tried it.” Right. So she says that because she’s an awesome teacher. But then she said this, “And if you’re not there yet, and you really want it, it will happen. Trust in the schedule.”
Trust in the schedule.
Let’s rewind a second, though. On her 90th birthday two weeks ago, my grandmother had a stroke. She ended up in the hospital and from there into the rehabilitation hall of her nursing home. She struggled and fought until she couldn’t. And when she passed away, she did it with grace and strength and poise. So I have been thinking about the timing of things anyways, and then Jessica mentions this unknown schedule for my life that I’m supposed to trust in.
I find life difficult enough on a written schedule. Don’t you? It’s so hard to follow a path that’s clear, one that’s written and obvious. But trusting in a schedule that’s not clear, trusting that you will figure it out, that you will be okay no matter what is a different kind of trust. It’s like walking on a tight rope kind of trust, like driving with your eyes closed.
It’s scary, but it’s exhilarating too. It’s exciting to see and feel change. I won’t deny that quite often it is painful, but I’m trying to feel the excitement too. Trying to see the balance. I am hoping that my growth, my development–creatively, in life, as a mother, a writer, whatever–will come through this balance.
And I’ll let you know if I actually get a handstand.
In other news, I will probably be missing for a couple of days to travel for Mimi’s funeral. Don’t worry, I’ll be back soon. And thanks for understanding.